Gibson On The Rocks [08/11/06] I tried to ignore the contretemps over Mel Gibson's run-in with the law, but it was like trying to ignore the elephant in the living room. My friends kept attacking him, and I kept finding myself sort of defending him. It wasn't that I approved of his conduct.

It's a Bird! It's a Plane! It's a Conspiracy! [08/07/06] Recently, I wrote a piece in which I scoffed at people who seem to thrive on conspiracy theories. Well, as to be expected, I heard from a number of them. Most of them, I'm happy to report, were congenial. Instead of the usual name-calling I get when folks disagree with me, they mainly gave me credit for being well-intentioned, but hopelessly naïve.

Curb Your Liberal [07/31/06] I find that whenever I write anything insulting about left-wingers in the context of taking them to task over some issue -- be it their hysteria over global warming, their cut-and-run approach to Iraq, their laissez faire attitude when it comes to open borders -- their response is invariably to attack me personally, never to defend their position.

But Is It Art [07/24/06] In olden times, art was art, and other things weren't. In the beginning, artists, who were the guys either too frightened or too lazy to go hunting or gathering, passed the time painting the walls of their caves. When the artist's wife would tell him to go out and kill a mastodon for dinner, he'd throw his beret to the ground, and holler, "Philistine! Can't you see I'm working?"

Our Soap Opera Culture [07/17/06] How, I wonder, did it come to pass that we've become a tabloid society? I'm not just referring to those junky scandal sheets they peddle at supermarket checkout stands. They're just a small part of it, the tip of a sleazy iceberg. In the wake of Rep. Patrick Kennedy's traffic accident, I was reminded once again what a glutton for soap opera melodramas we've become.

Words Wroth Heeding [07/10/06] Over the past few years, people have sent me a number of quotations which I might otherwise never have come across. I've printed them out and put them in a drawer, thinking that, like pieces of string and rubber bands, they're too useful to throw away, but not really knowing what to do with them. Sharing them with you strikes me as a nice gesture, plus it clears out the drawer, leaving lots more room for string.

Trying to Read God's Mind [07/03/06] It seems like every other week, Pat Robertson gets himself into hot water by announcing that he received yet another personal message from the Almighty. Right off the bat, I'll admit two things. One, I have no way of knowing if he does or he doesn't. After all, hundreds of millions of Christians and Jews believe that any number of people in biblical days were on speaking terms with the Lord. So, why should it be so unreasonable that once in a while, like when He gets really lonely, he rings up Reverend Robertson for a chat?

Psychoanalyzing the Loony Left [06/26/06] Sigmund Freud was the fellow who had the copyright on the ego, the id, and the superego. He was also the guy who managed to turn the couch, formerly just another piece of over-stuffed Viennese furniture, into a legitimate business expense. But even he acknowledged that he was unable to decipher what it was that women wanted.

Mass Hysteria is Hysterical [06/19/06] When I was a mere sprout, I recall that some nincompoops were convinced that fluoridating water was a Communist plot. So it was at a very tender age that I first caught on that, no matter how normal people might appear to be, there was always a good chance that scratch the surface and you'd find screwballs.

Skin As Canvas [06/12/06] It seems that the late Lord Charles Beresford was such a devotee of fox hunting, he had a hunting scene tattooed across his buttocks. (Burt Prelutsky)

Grateful for Big Favors [06/05/06] In this country, all you need do if you wish to vilify something is stick the word "big" in front of it. Big, we've been led to believe, is bad. Whether it's corporations, oil, government, or business, I'd say that even children -- so long, I suppose, as they're not big children -- get the message that booing and hissing are in order. (Burt Prelutsky)

Bargain-rate Bribes [05/30/06] As Shakespeare once observed, more or less, who steals my purse steals trash, blah blah blah, but he that filches from me my good name, yada yada yada, makes me poor indeed. (Burt Prelutsky)

Prelutsky for the Prosecution [05/22/06] I suppose I should be relieved. After all, this past week I was on call every day to perform jury duty, and the call never came. But, oddly enough, I'm not relieved. Instead, I'm disgruntled. It was an entire week during which I could hardly make a lunch date. The way it works, starting on Sunday night, you phone a 1-800 number, punch in a nine-digit I.D. number, and a recorded voice lets you know whether or not you have to show up at the courthouse the following morning.

Squaring Accounts [05/09/06] No matter where a discussion about fiscal matters begins -- whether the subject involves national defense, farm subsidies or Social Security -- inevitably it ends up with somebody insisting that it's wrong to saddle our sons and daughters with a load of IOUs. Well, I beg to differ.

A Word to the Wise and the Not So Wise [05/17/06] I'm here to announce that we are not a nation of scholars. Good lord, we're barely literate. It's a wonder that more of us don't walk around with our knuckles dragging on the ground. And it's about time that high school counselors and all the rest of us quit pretending that every 17 and 18 year old squirt should be shoehorned into colleges and universities.

Denying the Holocaust [05/02/06] Not too long ago, David Irving was sentenced to three years in an Austrian jail for claiming that the Holocaust never happened. Although I am usually in favor of harsh sentences even for those people who insist on honking their car horns while driving through tunnels, I was against throwing Irving's butt in the slammer.

Gone But Not Forgotten [03/27/06] Ours is a truly wacky world. We idolize and adore perfect strangers for no better reason, in so many cases, than that they can run fast with a football, can play golf better than your uncle Charley, or are willing to expose their silicone-enhanced breasts on movie screens.

Those Poor Poor Perverts [03/20/06] I can nearly, but not quite, understand why some people object to capital punishment. After all, if they're unaware that Thou Shall Not Kill is a bad translation of Thou Shall Not Murder, you can see where they might wind up believing that the execution of a serial killer is as sinful as the original crime. Of course I happen to think that, at this late date, there's no excuse for a grown-up not having bothered to find out what the sixth commandment actually says.

Algebra and Other Subjects [03/13/06] One of the basic differences between people can be traced back to their high school years. There are those who look back and view that period as through a golden haze. Then there are those who, upon receiving their high school diplomas, feel the way a convict must feel when his parole comes through. I was one of those who felt he'd been serving a sentence for the crime of having turned 14.

Voices From The Left [03/06/06] For years, I've hated listening to the infantile blathering of America's leftists. All that was required for me to come down with a splitting headache was to hear John Kerry, Robert Byrd or Joseph Biden, insist that if only they were running things, gas would cost 25 cents-a-gallon, peace would reign in the Middle East, and Ruth Bader Ginsburg would be the most conservative justice on the Supreme Court.

A Few Immodest Proposals [02/27/06] Because the entire process of appointing Supreme Court justices has become so politicized, many people would like to see the job description changed to include term limits. They seem to think that things would get better if, instead of lifetime sinecures, the justices would be limited to, say, 10 or 12 year appointments. Frankly, I'm of two minds on the subject. It all depends on whom we're talking about. I'm certainly in no hurry to give Scalia and Thomas the boot, whereas in the case of Souter and Ginsburg, I'd gladly help them pack and drive them to the airport.

Trading Places [02/21/06] Because I don't go to an office, I can usually avoid rush hour traffic. But yesterday was an exception. I had to meet a friend in Beverly Hills at 10 a.m. As I live about 15 miles away, in the San Fernando Valley, I left my house at 8:30. I made it on time, but just barely.

Reviewing Movies I Haven't Seen [02/13/06] It's been 48 years since I last reviewed a movie without first seeing it. Back then, a fellow UCLA student, Shirley Mae Follmer, and I were competing to be the film critic for the Daily Bruin. One night, passes were supposed to be left for each of us at a press screening. However, she arrived ahead of me, and she had either brought a guest along or there had simply been a glitch somewhere along the line. In any case, they wouldn't let me in. All I knew was the title of the movie and the name of the star, but I wasn't about to go down without a fight. So I went home and wrote an amusing review of a musical trifle with Mario Lanza called "The Seven Hills of Rome."

Liberals from Another Planet [02/07/06] In the old days, along with such colonial powers as France, Spain, Holland and Germany, England indulged in what you might call unenlightened self-interest. The prevailing practice was to gut their colonies in Asia and Africa of all the natural resources they could get their hands on while the folks who mined the coal, picked the crops, and dug for the diamonds, lived in abject squalor.

Cracking the Eggheads [01/31/06] There is currently a brouhaha brewing here in Los Angeles. On one side are the highly-educated academicians at UCLA, while on the other side are all the really smart people.

Toot, Toot, Tookie, Goodbye [01/23/06] Let me begin by stating that I am in favor of capital punishment. I don't view it as a deterrent, understand, I consider it the only appropriate punishment for cold-blooded murder. Actually, I have only two objections to it. The first is that the killer with more than one murder to his credit can only be executed the one time. Next, I resent the fact that no matter how much he may have tortured his victims, society has seen fit to send him off as painlessly as possible. I find it bizarre that in a country where mercy killings are illegal even for the terminally ill, only vicious psychopaths and our beloved pets are guaranteed a merciful death.

On Being 65 [01/11/06] Somebody once asked me how old I'd think I was if I didn't know my actual age. At the time I was in my mid-50s, and I believe I said I'd think I was about 35. It is now 10 years later and, if I were asked the same question, I'd come up with pretty much the same answer. Most days, at any rate.

A Primer On Hypocrisy [01/09/06] A while back, people were picking on such prominent conservatives as Rush Limbaugh and Bill Bennett, accusing them of being hypocrites because, while espousing traditional values, the former had become addicted to pain killers and the latter had lost millions in Las Vegas.

A Mash Note to Dogs [01/02/06] Even people who have known me for many years are sometimes surprised to learn how fond I am of dogs. It must be my curmudgeonly persona that misleads them. It's humans who annoy me. The truth is, it's dogs who should be surprised that I am fond of people.

All You Need to Know about Awards [12/27/05] I am of two minds where awards are concerned. On the one hand, I think there are way too many of them. You can hardly turn on your TV without seeing an endless parade of actors, singers, producers and directors, taking home a virtual smorgasbord of statuettes, plaques and scrolls. It's no wonder that celebrities have to live in houses the size of Buckingham Palace. Anything smaller and there wouldn't be room for both them and their trophies.

Greed is Not Good [12/21/05] As a rule, I get my back up when some people start accusing other people of being greedy. Generally, all that really means is that some people are jealous of everybody who has more money than they do. As a result, these fools spend an inordinate amount of time resenting and bad-mouthing folks like Bill Gates, Oprah Winfrey, Donald Trump, Steven Spielberg, Rupert Murdoch, and Sumner Redstone, for no other reason than they happen to be very rich. (Burt Prelutsky)

Proud To Be a Conservative [12/14/05] The other day I was listening to a talk radio show, and heard a caller announce that there's no freedom of speech in this country, that, because of the fascistic administration in Washington, people are afraid to criticize the government. His proof was that Cindy Sheehan had been rebuked for merely exercising her constitutional right to mouth off against authority figures. The show's host correctly pointed out that the 1st Amendment guarantees her freedom to speak her mind, such as it is, but that doesn't in any way curtail the right of other Americans to call her an idiot.

Fear of Dental Hygiene [12/05/05] Franklin Delano Roosevelt once said that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself. Catchy, but wrong. We also have all that scary stuff to worry about. What is odd about fear is that so many of the things that terrify some people don't even make other people bat an eye. For instance, I have a relative who served honorably in Viet Nam and doesn't think twice about soaring around in helicopters, but turns to jelly at the mere thought of driving on a winding road.

White Man's Burden [11/29/05] I hate to be picky, but two areas in which God fell down on the job while inventing people is that He gave us appendixes for no good reason except to provide surgeons with a steady income, and He neglected to give liberals two mouths so that they wouldn't be forced to speak out of both sides of the same one.

Putting Iraq in Perspective [11/23/05] Even though that icon of the Democratic party Bill Clinton argues that our troops belong in Iraq until that country is able to take care of its own security matters, most of the loudest voices on the left continue to clamor that we're involved in a quagmire. By definition, by the way, a quagmire is any armed conflict either begun or prolonged by a Republican administration.

Islam is a Riot [11/15/05] The best thing about the rioting in France is that it proves once and for all that pandering to Islamists is always a bad idea. Even when you provide them with all the perks available to sluggards in a socialist society, it's no guarantee they won't turn right around and bite the hand that feeds them. So, just in case anybody ever asks you to name the biggest difference between a French Muslim and a French poodle, you now know the answer.

French Fried Politics [11/10/05] To me, the worst thing about Muslims, aside from their longing to be returned to the good old days of the eighth century, and to drag the rest of us, kicking and screaming, along with them, is the fact that far too many politically correct imbeciles feel compelled to accommodate them and to find rationales for their violence. Two such enablers who come to mind, I'm sad to say, are George Bush and Condoleezza Rice.

The Ig Nobels [11/08/05] I am astonished that even after all these years, the Nobel Prize continues to be the most prestigious award in the world. Win it and you are not only an instant millionaire, but you will be widely quoted on any number of subjects about which you know nothing at all. Plus, you will be able to phone anybody on the planet and not be put on hold. As if all that's not enough, when you die, you will be guaranteed a large and largely complimentary obituary in the New York Times.

Commies as High as an Elephant's Eye [11/02/05] I read a report the other day that indicated all is not well in America's heartland. It seems that a majority of the kids in Iowa -- Iowa, for heaven's sake! -- admitted to being shoplifters. Even more shocking, like the looting cops in New Orleans, they weren't even ashamed of themselves. Well, why would they be? In a country rife with entitlements, this is just one more. After all, the folks who owned the stores were richer than they were, and were therefore fair game to be robbed.

Thank You, Andrew Carnegie [10/26/05] I was about eleven years old when I first fell in love with a public library. Up until then, I had certainly been aware that they existed, even apart from the small one at my school, but they had nothing to do with me. At that tender age, however, I happened to read John Steinbeck's "The Grapes of Wrath," and that literally changed my life.

Reflections of Reparations [10/20/05] At Louis Farakhan's recent hate fest in our nation's capitol, the bottom-feeders were once again demanding our nation's capital in the form of reparations. When I first heard blacks talking about these entitlements, I have to admit I started to laugh. (Burt Prelutsky)

A Few Things I Neglected to Say [10/19/05] Recently, I appeared on a San Francisco radio talk show. I had looked forward to discussing a wide range of topics with the host and his callers. That's why I had e-mailed a score of my essays to his producer. But I guess nobody bothered to read any of them. Instead, because the host simply introduced me as the author of "Conservatives Are From Mars, Liberals Are From San Francisco," virtually every caller for the entire hour wanted to know what I meant by conservative as opposed to Republican, and wondered why I insisted that, on most matters, I actually regard myself as a libertarian. Long before the hour was over, thanks to a notoriously low boredom threshold, my eyes had rolled back into my skull and I was gasping for oxygen.

The Case Against Adultery [10/14/05] Not being religious, I don't feel comfortable discussing other people's sins. Even where the Ten Commandments are concerned, I'm probably only batting about .650. However, one of the thou-shalt-nots I seem to take more seriously than a lot of other people, including those in the church-going crowd, is number seven on the hit parade, the one dealing with adultery. (Burt Prelutsky)

101 People Who are Screwing Up America [10/04/05] Although we have never met, I regard Bernard Goldberg as a friend. He's sent me his books, nicely dedicated; I've sent him mine. Through our frequent exchange of e- mails, I have found that he and I tend to see eye to eye on just about everything. Our chief difference, aside from the fact that I live in L.A. and he lives in Miami, is that while I play tennis, he courts serious injury playing basketball.

Are Liberals Really Lemmings? [09/28/05] t can't be easy being a liberal these days. For one thing, in a desperate attempt to make inroads with the electorate, they not only can't speak like liberals, but outside a few blue spots on the American map, they don't even dare identify themselves as such. Instead, they've begun calling themselves progressives. Frankly, it sounds like a Madison Avenue brainstorm. But, instead of coming up with a whole new name, they might as well have simply advertised themselves as liberals, but New and Improved!

So What If I'm Not Religious? [09/20/05] I am not a religious person. But unlike most atheists and agnostics, I am not anti-religion. It's just not for me. I am unable to accept things on faith alone, and so far I haven't found any need to. Some might point out that I can't see gravity, either, and yet I accept its existence. That's true enough. But that's because I am aware of the force that keeps me from flying out into space, and I am not equally aware of the force of God. But even if I were, I would then have to select a religion that appealed to me more than any of the others.

Judging the Judges [09/15/05] A question that bears looking into is whether a career in politics inevitably turns people into hypocrites or whether hypocrites are born, not made, and are simply drawn to the field the way that steel shavings are drawn to a magnet.

Doing Away with the Poor [09/12/05] It is alleged that when his ex-wife was asked to sum up William Saroyan, famous for his heartwarming stories about Fresno's Armenian community, she replied, "Bill loved mankind, but he hated people."

A Few Words By and About Ronald Reagan [09/08/05] It is alleged that Groucho Marx, upon once being invited to join a country club, declined on the grounds that he refused to belong to any group that would have Groucho Marx as a member. (Burt Prelutsky)

Go to College, Learn to Steal [08/31/05] A recent survey of American college students disclosed that two-thirds of them think it's perfectly okay to download copyrighted music. Now I'll grant that swiping songs doesn't rank up there with such major crimes as bank robbing, extortion and Will Ferrell's movies. However, it does suggest that our school systems are churning out hordes of youngsters who could find gainful employment if only old Fagin were still in business.

A Modest Proposal [08/17/05] Only the hopelessly naïve, the same fools who believed Hitler was going to be satisfied with merely gobbling up the Sudetenland, actually believe that the Islamic fascists would all become saints and shepherds if only the U.S. got out of Iraq or out of the Middle East altogether.

The Descent of Liberals [08/09/05] For the longest time, I thought that the main difference between those on the Left and those on the Right was that whereas conservatives believed that liberals were wrong on the issues, liberals were convinced that conservatives were just plain evil.

Are Liberals From Another Planet? [08/03/05] I really don't like insulting liberals. It's a dirty job, but, as they say, somebody has to do it. The truth is, I have friends and relatives who are of that political persuasion, although, lately, some of them have started calling themselves progressives. Which is interesting because, back in 1948, when Henry Wallace, with the fervent backing of the American Communists, ran for president, he was the Progressive Party candidate. (Burt Prelutsky)

A Legal System Only A Mother Could Love [07/27/05] I think I understand the reason that so many politicians are reluctant to take a tough stand against the illegal aliens pouring in from Mexico. It's partly pandering for votes, partly providing corporate America with cheap labor, and partly a natural reluctance to be branded as racists by the liberal media, Latino leaders on the make, and the moral cretins in the ACLU.

Red Sheep [07/21/05] I suspect that every family has its share of skeletons in the closet, black sheep that are only mentioned in passing, in whispers, at Thanksgiving gatherings. In the old days, they might have been horse thieves, rustlers and card sharks. These days, they're more likely to be defense attorneys, journalists or judges.

Break a Leg, Dr. Laura [07/11/05] Back in March, I received an e-mail from a stranger. He identified himself as Dr. Laura Schlessinger's producer. He explained that they were planning for her to do a one- woman stage show. Although the second act would consist entirely of Dr. Laura's answering written questions from the audience, they wanted a funny script for the opening act. Would I be interested in having a meeting? Sure, I'm game for just about anything that doesn't involve heavy lifting or getting on an airplane.

The Star-mangled Banner [07/06/05] There's probably no single piece of writing in this country that's as controversial or as likely to lead to fist fights as the U.S. Constitution. It's difficult to decide which portion of the document gets people riled up the most. At times, it almost seems to change on a daily basis. On Monday, it could be gun ownership, with folks like Michael Moore frothing at the mouth at the mere thought that a law-abiding citizen might own a weapon. You'd think Moore was planning to burgle your home the way he frets over the possibility you might actually be armed.

He's Not Heavy, He's My History Book [06/28/05] As you may have noticed, when liberals want to stereotype conservatives, they usually bring up creationists as if every religious person in America discounts Darwin and walks around with his knuckles dragging on the ground. (Burt Prelutsky)

Just Dandy, Andy [06/22/05] If you're anything like me, you are constantly having people e-mailing you nostalgia lists that ask you if you're old enough to remember Blackjack gum, Jack Benny's Maxwell and the Lone Ranger's theme song. Yes, I'm afraid I'm old enough. What I'm finding harder and harder to remember are examples of good sportsmanship.

The Unusual Suspects [06/14/05] Like most people, I had long wondered about the identity of Deep Throat. Now that W. Mark Felt has stepped forward confessing to having been Mr. Throat, I can scratch the two likeliest suspects from my short list. That would be Richard Nixon and me. I suppose some explanation is required.

A Word to the Wise and the Not So Wise [06/0/05] I'm here to announce that we are not a nation of scholars. Good lord, we're barely literate. It's a wonder that more of us don't walk around with our knuckles dragging on the ground. And it's about time that high school counselors and all the rest of us quit pretending that every 17 and 18 year old squirt should be shoehorned into colleges and universities.

Mulling Over Money [06/01/05] Lately, I've been thinking a lot about money. For a change, not just my own, but other people's. (Burt Prelutsky)

A Slow Newsweek [05/24/05] It was not my intention to write about Newsweek. After all, as we all know, it's not news when a dog bites a man. So, none of us should be too surprised to find out once again that the major news media has cooked up a story that simultaneously gets headlines around the world and gives America a black eye. Even if it had been true, it didn't have the pazazz of Abu Ghraib with its naked bodies and snarling dogs. But if you can't have steak, sometimes you have to make do with hamburger. Just so long as it's red meat, the leftist media is happy.

Roe vs. Wade vs. Prelutsky [05/18/05] Sometimes, I get the idea that I'm the only person in America who can clearly see both sides of the abortion issue. Or, to put it another way, I think the zealots on both sides of the controversy should be hosed down until they come to their senses.

Marijuana and Me [05/10/05] Apparently, if we're to believe his friend's tape recordings, George W. Bush smoked pot at some time in his life. In some quarters, this president is taking some heat for having actually inhaled. Well, I'm confessing that I, too, smoked a little weed in my younger days. Unlike some people, such as Bill Maher, I'm not bragging about it. It's simply something I did, like riding a bike and practicing my hook shot three hours a day, and now I don't.

Straight Talk About Talk Show Hosts [05/03/05] The other day, a friend asked me what I thought of Rush Limbaugh. I confessed that I didn't listen to his show. My friend was shocked. In his eyes, it was as if I'd committed a cardinal sin. After all, I'm a Conservative and Mr. Limbaugh is a Conservative. So how could it be that I wasn't a Ditto Head?

And Trust No Agent [04/27/05] The title of this piece comes from "Much Ado About Nothing," and no truer words were ever written. Not even by the great Shakespeare. Compared to this pithy piece of advice, that whole rigmarole about to be or not to be was just a load of malarkey.

A Career with a Future [04/22/05] What makes the profession so darn appealing to me isn't the opportunity to live high off the hog even in countries where hogs live better than people or the opportunity to win every argument or even the fact that even my worst jokes could be counted upon to elicit big laughs from millions of people. No, what caught my aging eye were their ages. Of the 10, the oldest was Saudi Arabia's Crown Prince Abdullah, who's 81, and still going strong. The Sudan's Omar al-Bashir and Pakistan's Pervez Musharraf are the kids in the group, and they're both 61! In fact, the average age of the guys is 67.

My Newspaper is Funnier Than Yours [04/13/05] It is once again time to check in on my hometown paper, the Los Angeles Times. Because it regards itself as one of the nation's great newspapers, a few years ago it changed its look to more closely resemble the New York Times. Nobody was fooled. It's like Hillary Clinton's getting that face lift in hopes of looking young and vibrant, and simply winding up with those protruding eyes that she can't quite blink.

Judge Not [04/06/05] I have always heard that confession is good for the soul, but I'm not so sure I believe it. Maybe it's true if you're a Catholic and confession plays a big role in your religion. But of course they're dealing with professionals. Not only are priests sworn to take your tawdry little secrets to the grave, but after a week or so on the job, they've heard it all. I suspect you'd have to be Jeffrey Dahmer or Osama bin Laden to even get their attention.

Happy Cesar Chavez Day [03/31/05] From everything I've heard and read, Cesar Chavez was a wonderful man. I'm not just saying that, either. I just want to make it clear that I have nothing against him, personally. But, another state holiday, for crying out loud! I don't even want to get into the cost in tax dollars for these paid-vacations. But, surely enough is enough, already.

In This Corner, Wearing Brass Knuckles, Susan Estrich [03/25/05] Out here, in L.A., we have recently been treated to a colossal hissy fit that had liberals gunning for other liberals. One would think that any right-thinking conservative would happily sit back and watch the blood run in the gutters. But even in a battle royal that pits lefties against their own kind, a fair-minded person can't help taking sides.

Pooh Bahs and Moolah [03/21/05] When a politician speaks, there are two things he will invariably lie about. The first is that he wants to get money out of the election process. What he really wants is to get money out of his opponent's election process. (Burt Prelutsky)

In Praise of Oil [03/11/05] Please pay close attention because we're going to be discussing numbers, and I happen to know that most of you are lousy at math. In 1933, a movie ticket cost a quarter, a hamburger was a dime, and a soda pop was a nickel. Assuming you actually had a dollar in 1933, you could go out on a date for a dollar and come home with change.

Advice for the Politically Lovelorn [03/04/05] Normally, I wouldn't proffer advice to the Democrats, but sometimes political differences have to be set aside in favor of humanitarian concerns. And, as a relatively good Samaritan, I can not witness such abject human misery and not try to lend a helping hand.

The Times That Try Men's Souls [03/02/05] At night, I'm convinced there couldn't be a sleazier bunch of agenda-driven bozos than the botox-addicted talking heads on the tube. But then I pick up my morning paper, and I find myself thinking I may have been too hasty in making my decision.

Social Insecurity [02/24/05] I believe I may be the only person in America who isn't for or against President Bush's proposal to save Social Security. Unlike everybody else who seems positive that it is either brilliant and benevolent or stupid and evil, I really don't have an opinion.

Close the Border, Mr. President [02/21/05] Dear President Bush: No subject about which I write brings me a bigger, more favorable response than when I make a case for shutting down our southern border. What should be most alarming for the Republican party is that much of the e-mail comes from people such as myself who have twice voted for you.

Profile This [02/16/05] When I hear members of the black and Latino communities complain about being profiled by law enforcement, I yawn. What's the big deal? I'm willing to bet that I've been stopped by more cops than 99% of all gang members, and 100% of all law-abiding citizens, no matter what color they are.

Guns and Sons of Guns [02/08/05] I have a terrible confession to make. You see, even though I am not a member of the National Rifle Association, am not a hunter and never even considered Charlton Heston a particularly good actor, I have no objection to my fellow citizens owning guns. (Burt Prelutsky)

Dear Congressman [02/02/05] If nobody has ever suggested that when you have a politician for a friend, you don't need any enemies, let me be the first.

The Metamorphosis Begins [01/27/05] We've all been hearing about Democrats seeking professional help for what is being called the post-election syndrome. The therapists are claiming that their liberal clients are suffering from stress-related disorders brought about by President Bush's re-election.

In Harm's Way [01/07/04] Believe me, please, when I say that I don't wish to see our young people treated as cannon fodder, sacrificed needlessly on foreign battlefields. But that is quite a different matter from swaddling them in baby bunting. They are not porcelain figurines; they are supposed to be America's fighting force.

Most of the Racists in America are Black! [12/30/04] For, way too often when blacks insist they want to have a dialogue with whites, what they really mean is that they get a free pass to bitch and moan and demand reparations for things done to people they never knew by people none of us ever knew!

The Christmas Grinch Revisited [12/24/04] I was lucky to have been born to a Jewish family in a Christian nation. It was, in the main, Christian soldiers who liberated the Nazi death camps. Even if I'm not as Jewish as some of my critics would like, I still believe it behooves us to be openly grateful to our Christian neighbors -- not because we fear future pogroms -- but because it's the decent thing to do.

The Jewish Grinch Who Stole Christmas [12/22/04] I never thought I'd live to see the day that Christmas would become a dirty word. You think it hasn't? Then why is it that people are being prevented from saying it in polite society for fear that it will offend?

Diversity, Schmiversity [12/17/04] Anyone who thinks the hues of the students are more important than the views of the professors has a badly warped sense of priorities. He is the sort of person who, if he'd been aboard the Titanic, would have still been complaining about the hors d'oeuvres as the ship went down.

A Plea to Unendow the Arts [12/10/04] For years, I have argued against the very existence of the National Endowment of the Arts. If an artist can't be self-sustaining in a capitalist country as large and as rich as America, he should get into another line of work. It's certainly not the business of the politicians and the bureaucrats, who you notice aren't spending their own money, to support him and his artistic pipedreams.

The Flag and I [12/06/04] So why did I buy a flag because of those four people--two of whom I had never met and two of whom I had never spoken to? It's simple. Because of sheer, unadulterated gratitude.

Prelutsky's Pearls of Wisdom [11/29/04] If everybody followed my sage counsel, this would be a far, far better world. But I don't expect miracles.

The Most Obnoxious Group in America [11/17/04] The problem with the ACLU is that it is composed in equal measure of self-righteous fools and fascistic bullies. Because so many of their members are rich and privileged, they will, on the one hand, blather on about their love of democracy, while, at the same time, assume they alone know what's best for everyone else.

A Few Words About Fame [11/15/04] It has always mystified me why people would pay to see their names in print in such a context. I mean, what's going on in their heads? Do they imagine their friends and neighbors will read the list and then gnash their teeth, while muttering, "I'm green with envy! How is it that the Kluttermans get invited to all these chi-chi events when old Charley can't tell the difference between rumaki and pigs in a blanket?!"

Sandbox Sermons [11/10/04] The morally vapid will continue to put their misguided faith in an organization as toothless and craven as the U.N., just as their equally naive grandparents put theirs in the League of Nations.

Long Night's Journey into Day [11/06/04] People often ask me just exactly when I stopped being a liberal and, depending on their own political persuasion, saw the light or sold my soul to the devil. My fellow conservatives assume I had something akin to an epiphany. Liberals simply wonder if I suffered a head injury in a traffic accident.

Pride Goeth Before a Parade [11/03/04] Unlike most people who claim they don't care what consenting adults do in the privacy of their bedroom, I really mean it. When you get right down to it, nearly everything that other people do, from playing golf to guzzling beer, strikes me as irrational.... My only concern is with anti-social behavior that injures other people.

It's Time to Evict the U.N. [10/29/04] Be that as it may, what nation in its right mind would surrender even a scintilla of its sovereignty to a group as loathsome as the member states of the U.N.? I would sooner trust the Mafia to call the shots. You think I'm indulging in hyperbole? At least I have no reason to think that, for all their faults, the Costa Nostra hates America. I mean, consider that among the regimes having votes are the likes of Cuba, China, the Democratic People's Republic of Korea (North Korea to you), Laos, Cambodia, Rwanda, Myanmar, Sudan, Uganda, and two dozen Muslim-dominated dictatorships running the gamut from Bahrain to Yemen.

Why the Left Hates Bush [10/27/04] If we had merely wanted Iraqi oil, we'd have bought it, the same way we get the stuff from Mexico, Venezuela and the rest of the Middle East. Hussein would have been only too happy to sell it to us. No, if it were really about oil, the way the pinheads insist, would George Bush so openly side with Israel, the one country in that part of the world whose oil supply comes strictly from olives?

Wanted: Role Models (Only Blacks Need Apply) [10/20/04] Role models, but "only blacks need apply" Burt Prelutsky says, and asks, "My question is: why should it be that in a society that, ideally, is supposed to be colorblind, black kids are encouraged to recognize human accomplishment only when it's done by people who share their pigmentation?"

A Lousy Way to Pick a President [10/19/04] Having actually watched all the recent debates, including the one between Cheney and Edwards, I feel I'm now entitled to vote more than once. In fact, having sat through the entire six hours, I believe it's only fair that I get to vote half a dozen times. I'm serious. There should be some sort of prize for suffering through the worst TV series since "Manimal" was cancelled.

Jews and Evangelicals [10/13/04] Understand, I do not support Israel because it's a Jewish state. I am on its side because it is, one, a democracy in a part of the world where democracy is as alien as barbecued pork; two, it is a staunch ally of America; and, three, for over fifty years, although it has been besieged by terrorist states and fanatical killers, it has displayed remarkable restraint. It is a restraint that, I humbly confess, I could not duplicate in my wildest dreams.

The Not So Noble Prize [10/9/04] "If you are lucky enough to win one, you will forever be known as Nobel Prize winner Burt Prelutsky or whatever your own name happens to be, and your words, even those on subjects far removed from the field for which you were honored, will be taken terribly seriously by a very gullible public."

Mea Culpa, Phil [10/1/04] There is a great temptation to fudge the truth and be less than frank when it comes to other's feelings. This seems like a good thing. Why should we hurt another's feelings if we can avoid it? We shouldn't, but when truth is the issue, feelings, our own or anyone else's, are irrelevant. Evading the truth, even just to be nice, always has bad consequences.

Voting no on Voting [9/21/04] As we come into the home stretch of the presidential campaign, I'd like to suggest that everybody stop pressuring their friends and neighbors to vote. There is absolutely nothing un-American about staying home and minding your own business on election day.

Vanity Schmanity [9/21/04] Here is another of Burt's thought provoking and entertaining articles. This one addresses one of the most ironic fads of our day, and Mr. Prelutsky has some very "cutting" remarks to make about it.

Grow Up [9/14/04] Some days it seems as if everybody is a victim. It's not just the obvious groups, either. Oh, sure, blacks and Hispanics have turned it into something of an art form. But give women half a chance and they'll chew your ear off with their endless complaints; you'd think they were all living in Soviet gulags, instead of dwelling in the sort of comfort and luxury unknown to Catherine the Great.

John Kerry for President...of France [9/9/04] Shocker! Burt Prelutsky is promoting John Kerry for President, in spite of the fact he knows what politicians are, and says so in pretty plain language even democrats might be able to understand. (Burt Prelutsky)

Like Cats and Dogs [8/30/04] All the pundits who are forecasting the November election, busily analyzing blue states, red states and those all-important purple swing states, are spinning their wheels. At the risk of sounding even more presumptuous than usual, I contend that they are wasting their time and yours.

Writers For Hire [8/24/04] Burt Prelutsky makes the argument, "I consider it shameful that writers are held in such low regard. And to alter that situation, I would press for the immediate passage of a law making it a felony for anyone but a professional writer to write. And I mean anything. As things now stand, there is all too much scabbing going on."

Noodling [8/16/04] Have a cup of coffee with Burt Prelutsky while he shares some of his thoughts, questions, and wit with you, and find out what's wrong with Viagra?