Probably half, maybe three-quarters of the kids wandering around the Groves of Academe have no legitimate reason to be there. Of course I realize that in order for those youngsters to be out in the work force where they belong, employers have to stop demanding a B.A. as a prerequisite to employment. Most jobs just aren't all that demanding.

Like youth, a liberal arts education is generally wasted on the young. If the kids aren't majoring in engineering, medicine or math, they're probably just goofing off. There's nothing wrong with goofing off. That's how most grown-ups spend their weekends. Hard-working, well-meaning, parents, however, should not be mortgaging their futures so that their sprouts can devote four years to avoiding the job market.

Obviously some people are luckier than others when it comes to finding their true vocation. If, for instance, you're born a Fonda, Barrymore or Carradine, it would appear you get a S.A.G. card along with your birth certificate. If you're named Rockefeller, you're not only born with a silver spoon in your mouth, you also have a knife, a fork and a finger bowl, in there. And if your name happens to be Kennedy, even before you learn to crawl, it seems you're running for office.

If you're born into certain families, you're almost certain to wind up a classical musician. If you're born into others, you're just as likely to wind up in the linen, cement and/or olive oil business, and on a first name basis with several members of the U.S. Justice Department.

While I'm handing out good sound advice, I'll suggest Michael Moore would be wise to quit making his so-called documentaries. I understand he is currently at work on one dealing with HMO's. Frankly, I'd like to see someone lower the boom on those outfits. Someone, but not Michael Moore. He has earned such a reputation for cinematic sins of commission and omission that any movie bearing his name is immediately suspect.

If Moore insists on pursuing a movie career, he should start cranking out flicks that don't pretend to be factual. Better yet, he should set his camera aside and run for public office. Unlike documentary filmmakers, politicians are expected to fib and fabricate. It's in the job description.

My last piece of advice is directed to all those highly impressionable teenagers taking up space on college campuses. Every time I see kids like you, full of hubris and attitude, giving standing ovations to the likes of Indian wannabe Ward Churchill, I get a stomach ache.

I know you're young and I know you're dumb, but, even so, there's a limit to how much slack you should expect. I mean, it's not your fault that you're not as cute and as adorable as you were when you were four or five, but there's really no excuse for not being any brighter after all this time.

Let me suggest that aging hippies deserve to be ridiculed, not revered. Just because some long-haired galoot tells you he's smarter than your folks doesn't make it so. If he tells you that you're smarter than your folks, he's definitely lying to you and, what's worse, pandering to your worst instincts.

Keep in mind, children, that true revolutionaries are not pulling down $100,000-a- year as tenured academics, no matter how badly they dress, no matter how long they wear their hair, and no matter how long they go between baths.

And, finally, one last word: Che Guevara was a shmuck!

You can learn more about Burt and his latest book, Conservatives Are from Mars (Liberals Are from San Francisco) at his home page. Write Mr. Prelutsky at: